


Epaulette Mate

by Lusse



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Chess, Discreetly Hot Mess Hux, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Snoke needs to go and Kylo Ren needs to get a clue, Unhealthy Relationships, Unrequited Love, tlj - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-13
Updated: 2018-01-13
Packaged: 2019-03-04 07:34:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13359537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lusse/pseuds/Lusse
Summary: [Originally posted this to tumblr, but since it received WAY more attention than I anticipated, I decided to make an account here.]Kylo moves his pawn forward, already bored with the game but still makes an half-assed effort to look like he is actually trying. He takes a sip from his wine and turns his attention back to Hux on the other side of the board, who is trying so hard to hide his binge-drinking.





	Epaulette Mate

Kylo moves his pawn forward, already bored with the game but still makes an half-assed effort to look like he is actually trying. He takes a sip from his wine and turns his attention back to Hux on the other side of the board, who is trying so hard to hide his binge-drinking. 

 

He only fills his glasses a quarter of the amount he does, but he downs them in one go every time he thinks Kylo is not looking, placing the empty glass back on the table with less grace every time.

 

Kylo doesn’t mention his slowly forming problem and in exchange Hux doesn’t mention that he really doesn’t actually have anything better to do as a pastime than to watch him develop it. A match made in hell. 

 

They both like to pretend like they made that decision themselves, like the company of each other was by choice and not dictated through their loneliness. It’s miserable, but it’s something, even if he feels like they are trying just a little too hard to play civil. Enough for it to feel fake every time he opens his mouth.

 

“You’re not paying attention.” Hux says, breaking the tranquil silence, a cigarette dangling between his lips. Kylo sighs loud enough to add to the dramatics Hux despises so much, even when the man is twice as bad as he is. 

 

He reaches out and takes a drag from it even if he has been very verbal about his filthy habit for the past hour. 

 

It was worth it, watching Hux’s lip curl in annoyance.

 

“I am.” He argues, inhales once more before Hux flicks the cigarette back.

 

“Checkmate.”

 

Hux reaches out for his knight, sliding it all the way through the board, ash flying all across it in the process. He knocks Kylo’s king off it, and Kylo watches in bemusement as it rolls of the table and reaches down to pick it up.

 

Hux takes everything in life too seriously, the line of things that are important and not important blurred so tightly together than even a game of chess can bring out such a reaction out of him. Kylo gets the feeling like he is about to lunge at him, just because he lost interest.

 

“Long live the king.” Hux raises his hands almost as in victory, but his face looks more bitter than usual as he stares at him like he is waiting for something.

 

Kylo tilts his head, feeling his jaw tighten.

 

“You can’t do that.” He frowns, albeit he hadn’t been interested in the game in the first place. And to think Hux is the one always calling him a child. “The knight only-”

 

“Exactly.” He snaps, puts out the cigarette before filling his glass again, his nicotine-stained fingers trembling as they wrap around the bottle. The elegance of his movements are hanging by a single thread, but Hux still keeps holding onto it like there is nothing wrong with him.

 

Kylo takes a swig straight from the bottle, wiping his mouth into his sleeve, just to make a point. It’s almost inconspicuous, but he knows Hux can catch the mockery. Kylo notices his eye twitch, and knows he has won. 

 

Again.

 

He takes notice just how exhausted Hux looks, he always does these days. The intoxication just adds to it, the dull glaze of his eyes, the way his hair lacks the immaculateness he strives for as Hux pulls the strands almost compulsively. 

 

He is still bizarrely gathered for a person dealing with a breakdown of his caliber.

 

 Hux takes the piece from him, twiddles it between his fingers before torching the crown on top of it with his lighter and he looks just so defeated that Kylo wants to laugh.

 

“It’s just a game, Hux.” He tries to speak to the man under all the liqueur, but Hux stares at him like he’s the idiot.

 

“You’re not paying  _ attention _ .” Hux repeats, angrier this time as he kicks the table, but he still manages to collect himself in a matter of seconds. It’s impressive, and very depressing.

 

“To what, exactly?” Ren raises his glass, pointing at Hux with it before taking another sip. “You making a fool of yourself?”

 

“Are you really this clueless?”

 

“Are you really this _insane_?” He spits back, watching him in confusion.

 

“So you are following me, then?”

 

“No, I’m just actually concerned.” Kylo says, tearing his eyes away from Hux as gets up from his seat, decides he’s had enough of this charade. 

 

But he hates himself enough, or maybe Hux, to linger in the doorway as he grabs his cloak from the backrest of his settee. It’s like he almost waits for it, but still wonders why he always lets Hux go through with this as he hears the man call his name quietly. 

 

Fucker.

 

Maybe he’s started to actually feel compassion.

 

Kylo breathes into the silence that has settles once again, agonizing and anticipating but neither of them dare to break it. It’s as fragile as the feeling when he feels the hand on his back, his own way of pleading while still giving him the illusion of being in control.

 

It’s always desperate, and very quick.

 

Hux promises sex they both know he doesn’t want, but Kylo lets himself pretend like he is interested just to stop him looking so damn pitiful. Kylo knows he only uses his lust as an excuse for it’s really the human contact he craves,  sweet and innocent, the things he can never be. To achieve the feeling of maybe not being so alone in the universe after all.

 

Hux craves him, too, but it’s easier when they don’t talk about it. But Hux is always thinking about it, even if he doesn’t want to admit it, not even to himself. He always thinks too hard into things, doubts himself and then doubts some more.

 

It took Hux six months to admit his feelings to Kylo and only six seconds for him to turn him down. Maybe it’s just pity why he lets him do this time after time. Maybe he just doesn't care enough.

 

Kylo feels like Hux has just fallen in love with the grotesque idea of him that has been distorted so many times he can’t really even see him as he is, who he is, like he is just the reflection of his self-loathing, the one thing he cannot break free of.

 

Maybe doesn’t even want to, scared that there is nothing underneath.

 

Kylo understands that he is the one enabling all that.

 

But Hux never allows him do the right thing, the game they are playing is a double-edged sword that he just wants to push into his chest and be done with it - but Hux never lets him know how he really feels, always falling into the same kinds of hazardous patterns that he pretends don’t exist.

 

Hux is set on playing the victim, blaming him for every wrong in his life, because it’s so much more easier than admitting that he just is that miserable, forlorn being, with or without him. 

 

And Kylo is just the same, but at least he can now recognize that.

 

Hux passes out the second they make it to the bed, and Kylo sighs as he gently rolls him off him, thinking to himself if Hux actually times his blackouts since it happens every single time, like clockwork. Or perhaps he just pretends to be asleep to save himself from the shame. 

 

He guesses the latter.

 

Nevertheless, he watches the sleeping figure for a moment, lightly traces the curve of his hip with his fingers, wonders what it would be like to want him the way he does him. 

 

He almost hopes for it, most nights, it definitely would make this pity party for two considerably more tolerable.

 

Almost as to confirm his previous thoughts, he leans in and presses a kiss on his lips, feels how Hux’s twist into a smile underneath even if he is clearly trying to fight it.

 

Kylo feels like it’s the purest form of melancholia as much as it is infeasible. But maybe that is good enough for him, even if it shatters his heart every time he cannot be what he wants him to. Maybe he’s just evil.

 

“Do you actually desire to be this difficult?” He asks quietly, breaks the kiss and pulls back. Hux remains quiet, but he can hear his brain tick, his hands grabbing the sheets. Probably counting down from ten, dulling down the urge to punch him. Or kiss him again.

 

3, 2, 1 -

 

“I’m scared, Ren.” He finally says, tries to sound angry but Kylo can hear the falter in his voice.

 

“Of what?” 

  
“That I’ll never get the outcome I want.” The darkness is almost comforting, even if he can hear the terror in his voice he can’t really make out his face from the shadows.

 

“Hux-” Kylo starts, prepares to turn him down. He still can’t understand why Hux keeps doing this to himself. Or on that note, why he gives it to him, infects him with false hope. “I’ve told you a dozen times-”

 

“For _ fucks sake _ , I’m not talking about this, you cretin.” Hux sits up, burying his face into his hands, and for a moment Kylo thinks he’s actually going to cry, which isn’t a sight he is prepared for. 

 

But he doesn’t, just let his hands drop to his lap as he sucks in a breath. “I always find myself amazed by your massive ego, Kylo Ren.” 

 

Kylo doesn’t make a sound. 

 

“ I actually have bigger aspirations in life than crying over whether or not you’ll ever love me like that. I know you won’t, but believe it or not, I can live with that. You love to exploit it, which is in all honesty more damaging than helpful, but really - you’re the least of my problems.”

 

“I thought I was the cause of all of them.” Kylo chuckles, not trying to make light of the situation, but he was actually curious. Maybe it’s the drunken slur of his words that makes it harder for him to take Hux seriously.

 

“You are not the one holding me back.” His voice breaks in the middle, it sounds like he doesn’t trust his own words. Too cautious.

 

“And what is?”

 

Hux reaches out, grabs his hand and Kylo just tries to figure out the mess that is going on inside his head but then he feels the fingers brush against his palm, tracing the letters.

 

_ SNOKE. _

 

And suddenly he just  _ understands. _

 

But as soon as the thought gets wired into his head, he forces it away, suddenly feeling the terror Hux must have felt all this time. The fear for his life. A simple thought could so easily be his last mistake.

 

Leave it to Hux to confuse him with riddles and metaphors and get angry when he didn’t understand - but this time he was being too clever for his own good. 

 

No thought was really private, nor did any of his feelings really belong to him. 

 

There was always that danger, lurking around every corner. Pushing through every memory, searching for thoughts no different than this.

 

To defeat the power that Kylo thinks just might be greater than life itself. 

 

“Will you help me?” Hux asks, clutching his hand like he is actually afraid to let go, afraid Kylo will turn against him. Which is exactly what he should do. 

 

Kylo hesitates, but only for a second.

 

“Yes.”

  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
